I didn’t expect much from Things on Wheels, but I secretly hoped it might be worth it, hidden fun if you will.
I should’ve gone with my first instinct.
P.S. If you don’t want to read the ravings of a mad man, turn back now.
Things on Wheels is an arcade racer for Xbox Live Arcade, featuring remote control (RC) cars. It’s been done many times before and I still don’t know why developers insist on making them.
Using kart racer power-ups, your task is to zoom around the track and come first. Because there is no second or third place in this game. No sir. Come any less than first place and you don’t deserve to unlock the next track. I’m afraid you’ll have to race that track over and over again.
This isn’t helped by the game’s extreme difficulty which is spiked to the roof. TOW is simply too hard, even on easy. It’s impossible not to get caught on loose objects in the middle of the track, or even just firm fixtures in the environment, jutting out like someone trying to trip you up.
So what happens when you fall behind? And trust me, you will fall behind. Most arcade racers give you the opportunity to catch up again in the race, allowing you better power-ups to do so. This one, not so much.
The bit I hate most about TOW is it’s checkpoint system. When you fall off the track or end up out of place, the screen simply asks you, "Lost?" in big red text, almost mockingly. You can’t crash or blow up. The game refuses to reset you itself, so you need to realise your error, and push the reset button. Oh and you appear just where you went off track, right? No, bloody miles back at the last checkpoint.
These tracks appear to be all structured around the home environment, racing outside on the back lawn, through the dining room or kitchen. Think Micro Machines, but not fun and far more infuriating. Sometimes it’s even unclear where to go.
The multiplayer must surely be good? Well good luck finding people to play with you. It’s exactly the same as the single-player, though you can switch off that AI, thank god. Four-player split-screen, and online. I guess it’s better than facing off against faceless drivers. None of the AI cars have distinguishable personalities, you may as well be racing a swarm of wasps.
The cars handle strangely; not like real cars and not like karts either. I guess the RC handling is realistic then. No braking around corners is needed – in fact it will probably hinder you. RC cars obviously can’t drift properly. The horns sound horrible, and nothing pleases the AI more than to beep loudly at you as it shoves past your car, spun out from hitting a chair leg.
Back to the power-ups; from what I played there were no projectile weapons, and none of them required any effort. Both the shock and freeze powers seemed to do the same thing, slow down all the other racers. Boost was probably the most efficient one of the lot. And pulse was a tiny wee thing that bumped cars slightly to the side. The power-ups are constantly on the track -they don’t temporarily disappear, so there’s not really any urgency in getting to a power-up before anyone else.
Did I forget to mention Things On Wheels’ epic underlying narrative? I did? Well that’s an easy mistake to make, especially seeing as it has no bearing on the game at all, a written blog that features characters you never see or hear from. And it’s only accessible within a separate menu screen.
Okay so it’s not for me, but that’s no reason why kids might not enjoy it. So I put it to the test and Things On Wheels didn’t fare too well. My 6-year-old kid brother detests the game and seemed to enjoy it even less than I did.
Closing Comments
If you want a fun little racer, go play with some Hot Wheels or a real RC car. But seriously, there’s far better arcade racers out there; Mario Kart, Crash Team Racing, even recent games like Modnation Racers and Blur.
So there you have it, a poorly executed shell of a game, encased within some ugly menus. There’s not much hidden fun here.